Parenting is quite a challenge. It’s a journey that opens the door for many people to question what’s right and what’s wrong. Some may say it’s an emotional roller coaster raising and parenting a child who will be ready for the real world. Just as much as it is an emotional roller coaster for you, your child is also experiencing a range of strong emotions, like anger, that he has yet to fully understand, process, and act out. It is easy to worry when your child is has anger towards you and is being a “bad boy” or “bad girl.” “My child hates me!” This isn’t really the case. Your child is on a developmental journey and experiencing anger. Anger directed towards you is part of it. Helpful things to remember when you are worried about your child directing anger towards you:

 

1. Children are vulnerable.
2. It is okay for your child to be angry.
3. Parenting is difficult.

1. Children are vulnerable.

It is always important for you to remember that children are vulnerable. They need help with emotional regulation. Their brains and nervous systems are not yet mature. Parents function as “co-regulators.” During infancy, children have yet to understand their own needs. When a child is an infant, parents and people around the child must learn to adapt. At this stage of development, parents need to make guesses about what their child needs or wants as your child is not yet ready or capable of understanding and knowing what he or she needs and has no mature way of communicating this to you. This even relates to the way parents sometimes set inappropriate expectations and unknowingly place children in difficult circumstances when the parents themselves are experiencing a range of strong emotions. Since children are extremely vulnerable, they are greatly impacted by their environment and those who are always around them. They can pick up vibes emitted from their parents and learn a lot from seeing you react and respond to your own strong feelings and the strong feelings your children are starting to explore.

2. It is okay for your child to be angry.

A healthy developing child or infant will experience many emotions, such as anger. The anger may even be directed at you sometimes. It is best to stay calm and strong and understand the behavior is not rooted in negative intention. Anger is a strong emotion for a child or infant to process. Seeing you remain calm as they explore and experience anger will help them understand that the strong feelings he or she believes to be true in the moment are not as severe or accurate to the actual situation or interaction that prompted the initial surge of angry feelings. Strong feelings, such as anger, directed towards parents are very much part of normal development and growing up.

Don’t worry. Stay calm…it’s not personal. Let your child explore these emotions. The relationship between you and your child is the first and strongest relationship he/she has had since day one. Your child will feel some comfort in exploring these strong feelings in a relationship that is strong enough to withstand any breaks. Go to the feeling. Name it. Connect. Then redirect when your child is calm.

3. Parenting is difficult.

It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed when parenting. Parenting is an emotional roller coaster for both you and your child. Whether you’re a first-time parent or parent of three, parenting is hard. You’re not alone. There will be mistakes made, but don’t worry. Things will be okay. Take a deep breathe. Your child will learn many things from you, including how to explore his or her emotions. Just remember: love and adaptation are essential in guiding your child through this journey. To learn more, we recommend No Drama Discipline and The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson. If you need support, please contact us at 323-655-5580 or at office@ecdevelopment.co.

Written by Marilee Hartling and Daniel Munoz

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